Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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