I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
