the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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