We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
