He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
