You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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