my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
