he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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