im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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