drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
