so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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