well I can't set my house on fire every night
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
