I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
