did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
her vagine was all disorganized.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
