Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
