I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
