At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
