So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
