So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
