i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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