I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
