no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
