Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's shark week go big or go home
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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