Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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