You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
