so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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