oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
