Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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