So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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