Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
