Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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