You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
