My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
