how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
