God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
