just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
