dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
