i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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