i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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