I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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