I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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