at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
