i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Ladies don't puke and tell
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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