I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
