Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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