if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
