good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
you never un-have a 4some
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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