I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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