get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They took my balls.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
