Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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