Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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